We all have them — the conversations we've been avoiding.
With our partner about something that's been bothering us. With a friend about a boundary they crossed. With a colleague about that project that went sideways. With ourselves about the changes we need to make.
Most of us avoid these conversations because we're afraid they'll make things worse. Ironically, the avoidance itself makes things worse.
Why We Avoid Hard Conversations
Understanding why we avoid these talks helps us push through:
Fear of conflict: We confuse disagreement with destruction. But healthy relationships can hold tension.
Fear of rejection: What if they get angry? What if they leave? We'd rather keep the peace than risk the relationship.
Not knowing how: No one taught us how to have these conversations. We wing it, it goes badly, and we learn to avoid them.
Short-term relief: Avoidance feels better in the moment. The problem is, it compounds over time.
The Cost of Avoidance
When we don't have hard conversations:
- Resentment builds silently
- Small issues become big issues
- Trust erodes gradually
- We lose respect for ourselves
- The relationship dies slowly
The conversation you're avoiding today will be harder tomorrow.
A Framework for Hard Conversations
Here's a practical approach that works:
1. Get Clear on Your Intent
Before the conversation, ask yourself:
- What outcome do I actually want?
- Is this about being right or being understood?
- Am I trying to attack or to solve?
If your intent is to win, wait until you can approach it differently.
2. Choose the Right Time and Place
Don't ambush people. Ask: "I'd like to talk about something important. When's a good time?"
Find a private space where you won't be interrupted. Put phones away.
3. Lead with Curiosity, Not Accusations
Start with: "I've noticed..." or "I've been feeling..." rather than "You always..." or "You never..."
The goal is to understand, not to prosecute.
4. Listen More Than You Talk
The hardest part of hard conversations is actually listening — especially to things we don't want to hear.
Resist the urge to interrupt, defend, or plan your response. Just listen.
5. Look for the Third Way
Most conflicts aren't binary. There's usually a solution that addresses both people's needs. But you can only find it if you're both willing to explore.
6. Know When to Pause
If emotions are running high, it's okay to say: "I think we both need a break. Can we come back to this tomorrow?"
Pausing isn't the same as avoiding.
The Gift of Honesty
Here's the truth: people would rather hear something hard from someone who cares than wonder what you're really thinking.
Hard conversations, done well, actually deepen relationships. They build trust. They show you care enough to be honest.
The conversation you're dreading might be the one that changes everything.
Practice having real conversations in a safe space. Join an EVRYMAN group and build your skills with other men.
